Love and intimacy are closely linked in relationships. Love encompasses various aspects such as physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or social affection that one person feels for another. It includes feelings like adoration, desire, preference, possessiveness, care, service, and even worship. On the other hand, intimacy refers to a close relationship where there’s mutual acceptance, nurturing, and trust shared to some extent. To understand love in human relationships, it’s essential to consider how our socialized self either boosts or hinders our ability to love.

Our socialized self develops under the guidance of caregivers or parents. As a newborn, you relied entirely on adults to meet your needs and provide a safe environment. You needed to be fed, clothed, bathed, held, and loved. Caregivers fulfilled these basic needs during your early development, forming attachments in the process. An attachment is an emotional and social bond between individuals, and humans are driven to form attachments throughout their lives.

Attachments are crucial for human existence and form the emotional foundation of our relationships. As an infant, you learned to trust those who cared for you, knowing they would return and be reliable. With cognitive development, your brain enables you to love and care for the person you’re attached to, regardless of whether they reciprocate. This understanding shapes how you form attachments as an adult. For instance, strong attachments in childhood may make it easier to form adult relationships, while weak or disrupted attachments may pose challenges in forming adult connections.

Romantic chemistry often evokes imagery of warm, affectionate sentiments flowing from the heart’s core, doesn’t it? However, the reality is a bit more intricate. The primary architect of attraction is, in fact, the brain, orchestrating swift and intricate computations when evaluating a potential partner. In this exploration, Dawn Maslar discusses how our five senses play pivotal roles in this intricate mating dance, supported by intriguing findings from various studies.

One of the earliest signs that you’re falling in love as an adult is feeling happier and more confident when you’re with the other person. It’s suggested that your capacity to love is limited by your own self-esteem. Why? Because intimacy grows alongside love, and being intimate means being able to be genuine and authentic with your partner.

When two strangers meet, they often start to share personal information, a process known as self-disclosure. This means revealing your true self to another person. However, once you or the other person opens up and shares something vulnerable, you’re entering into a kind of emotional minefield where there’s a risk of getting hurt. Past relationship experiences, feelings of emotional vulnerability, and the fear of being seen as flawed all play a part in this process of letting someone else see your true self.

This sorting process is influenced by many interactions with others that came before this moment. Going through past experiences can make it risky for some, but once you start sharing, there’s potential for intimacy and love to grow. Intimacy is more likely to develop when the other person reciprocates by also sharing personal information.

For example, imagine a scenario where a guy and a girl meet during university cheer squad tryouts. They make small talk while waiting in line, but true intimacy requires deeper conversations. As they share more personal details, they create a foundation for intimacy. If their interactions continue positively over time, they may become close friends or even romantic partners.

However, if one person doesn’t reciprocate by sharing personal information, intimacy is less likely to develop. Once self-disclosure happens, there’s a risk involved. If both parties reciprocate, intimacy can grow. But if not, intimacy is unlikely to develop further.

Researchers from different fields offer various explanations for our attraction to others. Psychologists and biologists point to chemicals and hormones in our bodies like testosterone and oxytocin. Sociologists highlight the importance of social relationships and attachments in our lives. Theologians see love as divine and intrinsic to our nature.

Types of Love

Love is a complex concept, and psychologists and sociologists have defined it in various ways. John Lee’s (1977) research on love, which categorizes love into six types, is widely referenced. Lee proposed that all of us experience six fundamental components of love, and our current relationships can be assessed and measured based on these types. He also suggested that the quality of love types can vary, with some being more conducive to lasting and supportive relationships, while others may hinder relationships.

Lee’s love types help people understand their own love styles. These types include Eros, which is sensual love related to physical senses like touch and taste, often associated with feelings of arousal. Storgé refers to the love of a close friend in everyday life, where a friendship unexpectedly deepens into something more significant. Pragma is about appreciating the qualities and details of the other person, often based on rational thinking. Agapé is selfless love focused on serving others, akin to the love of God in Christian theology. Ludis is an immature love characterized by manipulation and deceit, while Mania is marked by insecurity and intense emotional swings.

Abraham Maslow (1970) viewed love as meeting unmet childhood needs, while Robert Sternberg (1986) analyzed love in terms of intimacy, passion, and commitment, emphasizing the importance of balance between these elements for a satisfying relationship. Additionally, there are modern components of love, such as commitment, trust, friendship, and passion, which are considered essential ingredients of love.

Different love types, such as romantic love based on continued courtship and physical intimacy, or infatuation characterized by idealization of the other person, have their own dynamics and durations. Committed love is loyal and devoted, often built on a history of care and concern for each other’s well-being. Altruism involves selfless acts of love for others, while sexual or passionate love focuses on sensual pleasures and physical closeness.

Friendship love is rooted in intimacy and trust among close friends, which can sometimes evolve into romantic relationships. Criteria or realistic love is based on meeting personal preferences and traits in a partner, while obsessive love is marked by conflict and dramatic extremes. Deceptive love involves dishonesty and manipulation, either for personal gain or ulterior motives.

Unrequited love, where one person desires a relationship with someone who doesn’t reciprocate, is a common experience that can lead to hurt and disappointment. Understanding love is important in many cultures, with the United States emphasizing love before marriage, while in other cultures, love may follow marriage.

For young couples, especially teenagers, love can often be driven by social status and physical affection, with romantic relationships serving different needs for both genders. However, adult relationships tend to prioritize intimacy and friendship, leading to greater satisfaction in both sexual and relational aspects.

Love is influenced by the choices we make and the decisions we take, especially when we weigh the benefits against the costs in our lives. Regardless of the type of love you experience, some relationships feel rewarding while others seem demanding. It’s crucial to understand how our needs and love intersect. In any relationship, we mentally keep track of the rewards and costs, evaluating the overall value of that relationship to us. Being in love means each partner feels safe, nurtured, and accepted for who they are, even when facing challenges in the relationship.

Short-term and long-term love

In evaluating relationships, losing the safety and nurturing provided by a relationship where one’s sense of self is threatened can be a significant cost. Individuals must weigh this cost against the rewards and potential outcomes. This is why some short-term relationships end abruptly, while many long-term ones continue despite difficulties.

Figure 3.1 describes characteristics of short-term and long-term relationships. Short-term relationships often progress quickly from acquaintance to sexual involvement. Many of these relationships involve unrealistic fantasies and inflated perceptions of their positive aspects. They tend to experience more drama, conflict, and infidelity, with exclusivity not being a prominent feature. There’s often a focus on appearances and physical intimacy, serving as a distraction from underlying problems that need addressing.

Long-term relationships may start with similar traits as short-term ones but transition into deeper, more meaningful connections over time. These relationships prioritize friendship, with sexual intimacy being a part of the overall relationship rather than its sole focus. Intimacy deepens through loyalty, devotion, and exclusive fidelity. Forgiveness is important, recognizing that both partners are human and prone to mistakes.

Figure 3.1 Short-term and Long-term Relationships

_{Source: Hammond, Ron, Paul Cheney, Raewyn Pearsey. 2021. Sociology of the Family. Ron J. Hammond & Paul W. Cheney. Retrieved May 3, 2024 (https://freesociologybooks.com/Sociology_Of_The_Family/05_Love_and_Intimacy.php).}

In both early and ongoing stages, partners prioritize each other and maintain exclusivity. They rely on each other daily while also respecting each other’s need for space and individuality. Altruism and nurturing are present, even if not always reciprocated. Couples support each other in various areas of life including medical, emotional, relational, and familial needs. Sexual intimacy requires negotiation and mutual agreement within the relationship.